Sunday, October 7, 2007

I Should Know Better

You'd think I'd be more comfortable with myself, my needs, and my identity by this point in my evolution as a kinky person. I mean, I've spent thousands of hours reading about this, writing about it, thinking about it, and talking to intelligent (and not-so-intelligent) people about it. I have counselled newcomers to the scene. I have taken great pride in naming and claiming my need for discipline.

So why on earth do I still trip over myself? Why do I sabotage myself by trying to be something I'm not? Or rather, why do I try not to be who I am?

Sigh.

The last week or so I've been hormonal. And struggling with stuff. And trying desperately to do it all on my own. M stepped up and offered to help, even setting a deadline and a rule. And what did I do? I got anxious, self-conscious, insecure, and self-destructive. When M tried to step in and help again, I pushed back and resisted his help because I was afraid of being too needy.

Actual conversation in the middle of my spanking today:
M: What is going on with you?
Iris: I'm just trying to take care of this on my own.
M: And how's that working for you?
At this point, we both started laughing, since I am clearly not handling it well.

M pointed out that since 1.), I can't do it on my own and 2.), he wants to help me, the easiest way to accomplish this is to not resist when he's trying to do something. And then he hairbrushed me silly.

The man may have a point.

5 comments:

Rose said...

I can completely relate to this, Iris! Most of my spankings are for this exact kind of behavior. I've always felt the need to "prove" (to myself or to others, I'm not sure) that I am independent and can do everything by myself. Unfortunately, I've got a record of taking it to the extreme and either running myself into the ground, or ending up injured. In any case, lately my poor behind generally ends up injured... It's not an easy lesson to learn.

Iris said...

Rose, I understand completely! It's that push-pull between wanting to lean on someone with all the trust and vulnerability that a discipline relationship implies, and still stubbornly wanting to do it by myself in case the vulnerability is too much of a burden.

So I guess what you're saying is, "Welcome to the club?" :-D

Caryagal said...

I think he is right :-) I am the same way though. I just can't ask for help. Try to do it all and get all cranky and screamy. Hoped you're feeling better though now!

Carye

sparkle said...

Hmm... I've thought about it now :). I'm sure this is no surprise, but I think you ought to let M help you ;).

The complex answer is that we are taught from an early age that we *are* perfectly capable of being self-sufficient, making good decisions, and being 'grown-up'. Well, you know what? Being 'grown-up', while fun on some levels, requires a damnably annoying amount of responsibility, patience, and determination.

Or... "discipline" is not something you need to create for yourself. You don't have to experience it alone and on your own. And...

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” -- Jim Rohn

Be good to yourself. :) And say hi to your mom from me!

Jigsaw Analogy said...

Yeah, I do this too. Or, more often, I spin out of control and refuse to allow W (or anyone else for that matter) to help. Or I bury all of the pesky needs I've got and try to pretend that everything is okay.

What can I say? I'm human and complex.

But, yeah, I totally get this.