Monday, September 6, 2010

Nowhere to go

*Cross-posted over at The Punishment Book*

I am only recently starting to get back my spanking mojo after an extended hiatus for pregnancy- and postpartum-related issues. Physically I was unable to bend over or absorb heavy blows when my belly got big enough, and then healing from my c-section meant that I was restricted for similar reasons. And emotionally/hormonally, I just wasn't there. Spanking didn't fire me up, intrigue me, or even really occur to me. Every once in a while I would think about it, but more in a passing sense. For a while I was ok with this break: I was exhausted, we had company, and the duties of motherhood and work were far more pressing.

After several months, though, I began to long for that part of myself. I missed the fire, the sparkle, the desire. I wanted to feel like me again. Still, nothing. I worried that motherhood had completely changed me, had replaced those fiery, sassy, desiring parts with nurturing, responsible, mechanical parts.

Then I had to take a two-day trip for work and I arranged to stay with some scene friends who live near the conference site. I got to enjoy a beautiful hour-long spanking that was heavy but didn't push my limits in any uncomfortable ways. It was perfect. It reassured me that I could still take a spanking--it reassured me that I still wanted to be spanked. It gave me a glimpse that I might still be me.

A big part of being me, however, is the punishment part. I am someone who needs to have limits, who wants to be disciplined, who must have a reason to be spanked. It has always frustrated me when I ask, "Why am I getting spanked?" and someone responds, "Because you need it," or just "Because." I've always known that I prefer to have an actual event or behavior that precipitates a spanking (though I can play for fun, it takes a conscious effort for me to put myself in the right frame of mind), but I thought it was because I wanted it to be logical, reasonable, contextual.

I don't misbehave (much) these days, though. I don't have the energy for it and frankly, M doesn't have the energy to punish me for it even when I stick a toenail across the line. We're both tired and I don't want to do something egregious in order to manipulate him into spanking me.

But I still want to be spanked. Which means that I can have spankings that are intense, but have no "reason" behind them. Having experienced a couple of them in the last two months, and finding them strangely lacking, I've given this a bit of thought. I first thought that perhaps my tolerance had dropped after the months-long moratorium on any play whatsoever. And it probably has.

But I've decided that the biggest factor is my brain. When I'm getting spanked, my brain needs a place to go. I can't shut it off: I need to engage it in some way. And punishment gives my brain something to experience while my body experiences the pain. A mental pillow to clutch. A way to make sense of the spanking. A way to transform the suffering into something useful (relaxation, release of emotions or stress, relinquishment of control).

When I'm being spanked hard for no reason, I can sometimes transcend the experience in a similar way, though the conditions are a little different. For those spankings I have to be eased into the intensity: start light, push the limits ever so slightly, back off, push again, back off, and I can eventually get to a place where I'm flying. The effect is then similar to the effects of a punishment, but it takes longer to get there. When it's punishment, when I don't have a choice (or when the agreement is that I've given up my choice), the intensity can start higher sooner because my brain has something to keep it occupied. But when intensity goes up without a reason and my brain is clutching around madly for a handhold (brainhold?), I can't cope as well and the effects aren't the same.

Which means, I guess, that I need spanking to engage all of me--I can't separate from my body and leave my brain with nowhere to go.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Hello, Dolly!

Don't fall out of your seats, either of you who still check this blog. It really is a new post. With a new look.

When I last posted, I didn't know if maternity leave would give me more or less time for posting. Apparently it was the latter. Sorry.

There really wasn't much to report, though. I barely got spanked, barely sassed, barely had room in my brain for spankings, sex, or other fun things from my previous, pre-baby life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE motherhood. It just...shifts things a little. The lack of sleep, the hormones, the fun side effects of surgery: they all collaborate to make spanking, sex, and fun a little less..well, fun.

In the last two weeks, however, I have been relieved to discover that I haven't lost those parts of me. They're not always accessible or convenient, but they're starting to re-emerge. M has spanked me a couple times. And I got a beautiful, intense, heavy, hour-long spanking when I went to visit some good friends this past week. Canes, hands, straps, floggers, the works. It's prideful, I know, but I'm also relieved that my tolerance hasn't gone away for good. I can still take a hell of a spanking. And quite frankly, I need it.

There are lots of posts about motherhood, spanking, my identity, and other things swirling around in my brain. I can't promise to post them soon, but hope they'll emerge over time.

In the meantime, it's just nice to have my brain and kink back where they belong.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Random Thoughts

I've been a little intimidated by the length of time that's gone by since I last posted, but then I read sparkle's post from yesterday and realized that I could do something similar. So here we go:

-We have a new person in our house! Our son was born three weeks ago, after a fairly good pregnancy and a very complicated delivery. He spent the first few days of his life in the neonatal intensive care unit, but is doing just fine now. M and I are exhausted, but very much in love with him. My mom has been staying with us to help and she's been incredible, but it's still overwhelming.

-Punishment Book is 5 years old. What an amazing forum it has become, thanks in large part to Mija's persistence and leadership, her curiosity and boundless energy. The women she has united as authors are smart, articulate, funny, and creative; I am consistently awed and humbled by their thoughtfulness and intelligence.

-It has been a Long Time since I've been spanked. The last trimester of pregnancy is not terribly conducive to bending over or absorbing blows/spanks/swats of much vigor, and now I'm recovering from a c-section and it seems like it will be a Longer Time until I'm spankable. Someone else got spanked in our house a few days ago and I got to listen (and then see the results), which was lovely. But I miss that part of myself.

-I got a Valentine in the mail from a 6-year-old, with a chocolate heart that said "Hottie." Which kind of made my day, since I'm feeling anything but these days.

Since I'm home on maternity leave now, I may have more time for posting, so you may see more of me. On the other hand, I may have less time--my schedule is no longer my own. But I'm still here, plugging along, thinking about things, and gathering ideas.