Thursday, September 11, 2008

SL08: Marriage Advice

My bestest sparkle threw an absolutely delightful shower/bachelorette party for me during the weekend in Vegas. We had wine, cheese, really good cookies, and a whole cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. Delicious.

I am truly not a shower-games kind of girl, but sparkle planned two fun games and came prepared with prizes for the winners. She also had a tiara for me that is VERY sparkly and says Bachelorette on it and a magic wand with a double sided star for bopping people; one side says Good Girl and the other says Bad Girl. Very fun.

One of the games she made up involved a series of 3x5 cards with questions printed on them. Guests at the party were each given three and had to write answers/advice designed to be thought- and laughter-provoking. (In a future post I may show evidence of the prize given to those who provoked a laugh from me.)

I thought you might be interested in adding your sage advice to the wisdom of those who were there, so I've reproduced some of the questions below. (To truly recreate the atmosphere and give the best advice possible, you may need a couple glasses of wine and something sparkly to wear on your head.)

1.) I really need to make him laugh. What can I do to amuse him?

2.) I really need to cry and it's not his fault. Why should I burden him with my drama?

3.) What came first--the sperm or the egg? And why should I not get to orgasm as much as possible?

4.) I really need to sleep. What can I do so he'll keep his hands to himself?

5.) He thinks I need some time in the corner. What can I do to keep him from getting bored while I'm there?

6.) Do you know how turned on I would be if he ran the vacuum? How can I convince him?

7.) Wine would stain the bed cover. What can I put on my body that he'll lick off?

8.) Some people don't know when to leave after a dinner invitation. What polite thing can I say to make them go away before my bedtime spanking?

8.5) Some people I don't want to leave after dinner. What can I say so they'll stay past my bedtime spanking--without pajamas?

9.) If I don't spank someone I'm going to scream. What can I do to get him to bend over and take it like a big boy?

10.) I'm hormonal and crying at Cheerios commercials. Should I buy a stock of home pregnancy tests yet?

11.) My bottom is bruised and sore. What can I do to get some sympathy around here?

12.) I really want to have sex. What can I do to interest him?

12.5.) I really need a spanking. What can I do to interest him?

Any and all answers are welcome, but especially funny ones!


Elspeth said...

#4: lost cause. Just go drape yourself over his lap and get it over with -- you'll get to sleep sooner.

#5: touch yourself.

*tries to look innocent*

Well, just because I would catch it for doing that doesn't mean you would, right?

{Am I delurking? I think so.}

Iris said...

Hi Elspeth! [waving]

Welcome to the world of the delurked. I'm glad you commented, especially with such valuable advice. I have some major corner time coming tonight, but I suspect I will test your advice another time. This is definitely NOT a night I need to find out what happens when I play with myself in the corner. ;-)

Hope to see more of you,

sparkle said...

Aw, Iris *sigh*. I'm sorry you're in trouble again.

Not sorry you're getting spanked, but sorry you're in trouble.


Iris said...

Um, thanks? Dear friend.


I survived.

Though I think there's a post coming...

Hugs back,

impish1 said...

Also sorry you're in trouble, but sending these good wishes for when you get out. Thanks for the invite to your party!

1. First take care of him until he's relaxed, them pull out your impish side.
2. I'm sorry, I know you said funny, but this is serious. I'm sure he's learned this already, but if he hasn't now's the time: if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. (Hey, even you called it drama!).
3. Sperm -Adam first man, but that's the last time they came in first. Girls rule!!! Second part - silly question - you should get to orgasm as much as possible. Did Sparkle of the multiple orgasm really make up that question?
4. Face cream, lots of it - cream cheese would even work, it only has to look real.
5. Happy face on your butt, use rubber cement to hang dangling earrings from each side.
6. Download a picture of a hunk vacuming off the internet - make it into a magnet and place on refrigerator. Say nothing. When he notices it, just say you thought it was sexy, the way he didn't think it was girly to do that, the contrast of his manly body with the domestic. Wait a couple of days, then kiss magnet with red lipstick. Refuse to answer any further questions, and act embarassed.
7. Honey, doesn't stain, and really lasts...
8. Dear, did you remember to set off that flea bomb yesterday?
8.5. Want to help?
9. Rope.
10. No, just midol, and tissue.
11. Break an arm.
12. Breathe.
12.5 Be good or be bad. Do either especially well.

Iris said...

Impish1, it's like you live in my house! How do you know these things? ;-)

I especially like advice #2 and #12 and so did M.

impish1 said...

Love your blog, been reading you a while, and love to have my own fun...LOL

Indy said...

ROFL @ Impish1, especially #6

Lele said...


10. Don't worry, this is a common error. It just means that you desperately need a spanking.