Nowhere to go

*Cross-posted over at The Punishment Book*

I am only recently starting to get back my spanking mojo after an extended hiatus for pregnancy- and postpartum-related issues. Physically I was unable to bend over or absorb heavy blows when my belly got big enough, and then healing from my c-section meant that I was restricted for similar reasons. And emotionally/hormonally, I just wasn't there. Spanking didn't fire me up, intrigue me, or even really occur to me. Every once in a while I would think about it, but more in a passing sense. For a while I was ok with this break: I was exhausted, we had company, and the duties of motherhood and work were far more pressing.

After several months, though, I began to long for that part of myself. I missed the fire, the sparkle, the desire. I wanted to feel like me again. Still, nothing. I worried that motherhood had completely changed me, had replaced those fiery, sassy, desiring parts with nurturing, responsible, mechanical parts.

Then I had to take a two-day trip for work and I arranged to stay with some scene friends who live near the conference site. I got to enjoy a beautiful hour-long spanking that was heavy but didn't push my limits in any uncomfortable ways. It was perfect. It reassured me that I could still take a spanking--it reassured me that I still wanted to be spanked. It gave me a glimpse that I might still be me.

A big part of being me, however, is the punishment part. I am someone who needs to have limits, who wants to be disciplined, who must have a reason to be spanked. It has always frustrated me when I ask, "Why am I getting spanked?" and someone responds, "Because you need it," or just "Because." I've always known that I prefer to have an actual event or behavior that precipitates a spanking (though I can play for fun, it takes a conscious effort for me to put myself in the right frame of mind), but I thought it was because I wanted it to be logical, reasonable, contextual.

I don't misbehave (much) these days, though. I don't have the energy for it and frankly, M doesn't have the energy to punish me for it even when I stick a toenail across the line. We're both tired and I don't want to do something egregious in order to manipulate him into spanking me.

But I still want to be spanked. Which means that I can have spankings that are intense, but have no "reason" behind them. Having experienced a couple of them in the last two months, and finding them strangely lacking, I've given this a bit of thought. I first thought that perhaps my tolerance had dropped after the months-long moratorium on any play whatsoever. And it probably has.

But I've decided that the biggest factor is my brain. When I'm getting spanked, my brain needs a place to go. I can't shut it off: I need to engage it in some way. And punishment gives my brain something to experience while my body experiences the pain. A mental pillow to clutch. A way to make sense of the spanking. A way to transform the suffering into something useful (relaxation, release of emotions or stress, relinquishment of control).

When I'm being spanked hard for no reason, I can sometimes transcend the experience in a similar way, though the conditions are a little different. For those spankings I have to be eased into the intensity: start light, push the limits ever so slightly, back off, push again, back off, and I can eventually get to a place where I'm flying. The effect is then similar to the effects of a punishment, but it takes longer to get there. When it's punishment, when I don't have a choice (or when the agreement is that I've given up my choice), the intensity can start higher sooner because my brain has something to keep it occupied. But when intensity goes up without a reason and my brain is clutching around madly for a handhold (brainhold?), I can't cope as well and the effects aren't the same.

Which means, I guess, that I need spanking to engage all of me--I can't separate from my body and leave my brain with nowhere to go.

Hello, Dolly!

Don't fall out of your seats, either of you who still check this blog. It really is a new post. With a new look.

When I last posted, I didn't know if maternity leave would give me more or less time for posting. Apparently it was the latter. Sorry.

There really wasn't much to report, though. I barely got spanked, barely sassed, barely had room in my brain for spankings, sex, or other fun things from my previous, pre-baby life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE motherhood. It just...shifts things a little. The lack of sleep, the hormones, the fun side effects of surgery: they all collaborate to make spanking, sex, and fun a little less..well, fun.

In the last two weeks, however, I have been relieved to discover that I haven't lost those parts of me. They're not always accessible or convenient, but they're starting to re-emerge. M has spanked me a couple times. And I got a beautiful, intense, heavy, hour-long spanking when I went to visit some good friends this past week. Canes, hands, straps, floggers, the works. It's prideful, I know, but I'm also relieved that my tolerance hasn't gone away for good. I can still take a hell of a spanking. And quite frankly, I need it.

There are lots of posts about motherhood, spanking, my identity, and other things swirling around in my brain. I can't promise to post them soon, but hope they'll emerge over time.

In the meantime, it's just nice to have my brain and kink back where they belong.

Random Thoughts

I've been a little intimidated by the length of time that's gone by since I last posted, but then I read sparkle's post from yesterday and realized that I could do something similar. So here we go:

-We have a new person in our house! Our son was born three weeks ago, after a fairly good pregnancy and a very complicated delivery. He spent the first few days of his life in the neonatal intensive care unit, but is doing just fine now. M and I are exhausted, but very much in love with him. My mom has been staying with us to help and she's been incredible, but it's still overwhelming.

-Punishment Book is 5 years old. What an amazing forum it has become, thanks in large part to Mija's persistence and leadership, her curiosity and boundless energy. The women she has united as authors are smart, articulate, funny, and creative; I am consistently awed and humbled by their thoughtfulness and intelligence.

-It has been a Long Time since I've been spanked. The last trimester of pregnancy is not terribly conducive to bending over or absorbing blows/spanks/swats of much vigor, and now I'm recovering from a c-section and it seems like it will be a Longer Time until I'm spankable. Someone else got spanked in our house a few days ago and I got to listen (and then see the results), which was lovely. But I miss that part of myself.

-I got a Valentine in the mail from a 6-year-old, with a chocolate heart that said "Hottie." Which kind of made my day, since I'm feeling anything but these days.

Since I'm home on maternity leave now, I may have more time for posting, so you may see more of me. On the other hand, I may have less time--my schedule is no longer my own. But I'm still here, plugging along, thinking about things, and gathering ideas.

Blast from the past

I just posted over at Punishment Book for the first time in a looooong time. Go check it out: Blast from the past.

I Like Canes? (aka, Spanking and the Pregnant Girl)

Who knew?

Well, I sort of knew. I knew that pregnancy could make one feel tired, nauseated, weepy, grumpy, horny, and hungry (sometimes all at once). I knew that pregnancy could radically change one's body type and shape (duh). I even knew that pregnancy hormones could make one's nose run, feet cramp, ankles swell, and hair grow. What I didn't know is that pregnancy could make me like canes.

Over the last five months I've been noting all the different changes in my body, from my suddenly bountiful breasts to my thickening waist and finally protruding belly. I've had little to no interest in spanking, but I attributed that to hormones and a pretty miserable first trimester, so M and I haven't played much for a long time.

When we first started thinking about having a baby, I met with my Ob/Gyn and asked her if it was safe to play while pregnant. She said it was fine as long as I was careful about any direct blows to my abdomen (which isn't really my kink anyway), so I definitely would have felt ok playing, but I didn't have the interest.

Cut to the Shadow Lane party this past weekend. I tend to play very hard, but since I haven't been spanked much lately I didn't know what my tolerance would be like. M and I talked about it and decided it would be easier for me to refrain from playing or only play lightly. Truthfully, I would have been fine to go without playing for the whole party (I've certainly done that before!), but then Bridget asked if she could spank me and I agreed.

We had to figure out a comfortable position for me, since I'm just getting to the point where I can't lie on my belly for too long, so we propped some pillows over the end of the sofa arm in Pablo and Mija's room. Bridget and I have played before, several times, and she knows which heavy strap is my favorite. After a very brief warm-up, she went right for the strap. Which hurt. A lot. At first I chalked it up to my lower pain threshold (getting waxed before the party almost had me in tears), but I still couldn't settle into the pain or relax into the strokes.

Finally, I had to give in. "I think I'm only good for a few more," I said.

Bridget nodded. "Can I give you a couple with the cane?" she asked.

I had to think about this for a moment. Normally I really don't like canes. But Bridget likes using them and I figured it couldn't hurt worse than the strap. Plus, for as much as my bottom was telling me the scene should be over, my head wasn't ready to have it end so quickly. So I agreed.

"Only a couple," I said.

She chose the thickest cane on the table (thoughtfully laid out by Pablo) and gave me one stroke. Not bad.

Another stroke. Still not bad.

Another stroke. Still not bad?

I was starting to realize that rather than tolerating the cane strokes, I was welcoming them. After those first three (interspersed with gentle cane tapping), Bridget dutifully stopped and checked in with me. "You can keep going," I said.

And she did. She tried several different canes on me, varying the intensity and speed--I ate it all up. I was finally getting to that pleasant place in my head, the floaty, warm place where I look forward to the next stroke. Yum...

After a bit, however, I think she got nervous about my sudden affinity for the cane and offered to finish the scene up with a few licks from the strap. I agreed, thinking that I was safe and floaty enough to welcome the familiar heavy thud. But it was horrible: sharp, biting, jarring. I found myself clenching my stomach muscles as I tensed for the next blow. She only gave me a handful of strokes with the strap, but I had to stop her quickly and ask for a few more cane strokes to finish.

I am more puzzled by this turn of events than any other single event, craving, feeling, or experience in my pregnancy thus far. Wine smells like paint thinner, pork makes me want to throw up, TV commercials make me cry, and canes make me purr.

Weird.

Vignettes

Uhhh, sorry I've been gone for a while, guys. It's been pretty rough around here lately, which means that M has been focused on taking care of me in gentler ways than average.

But that doesn't mean that nothing goes on around here...

So here are a few vignettes from our life, with my apologies for the delay.

***
Last month, M and I went with a friend of ours to see Vivaldi's Motezuma. It was my first opera and it was beautiful, but all I could focus on was the spanking. No, not real spanking, darn it. But the main characters kept prancing around the stage with "weapons" that were supposed to be some kind of Aztec throwback but were actually giant paddles. Seriously, my friends. Giant paddles. And the father figure threatened his daughter with the paddle if she didn't do what he wanted. (He was really threatening her with death, but whatever. Spanking, death. You know.) It was wonderful.

***
This weekend we went hiking in Yosemite National Park, which was amazing. At the end of one of our hikes, we came back to the trailhead and saw a small knot of people standing there. Two vanilla acquaintances hushed us as we greeted them and said, "Shhhhh, there's a bear over there." Hey, don't look at me! I was good! I stood at a respectful, safe, appropriate distance from the bear and tried to take a picture with the zoom. Which wasn't very good, but I was prepared to be satisfied with that. Until the girl turned to her boyfriend and said, "Watch the backpack. I'm going to go closer and try to get a better picture." He said, "No. It's not safe." And she ignored him. [grin] Being the responsible, good girl that I am, I turned to M and said, "Is it ok if I just go over there behind that big rock and try to get a better picture, as long as I stay there and don't bug the bear?" And he said, "Yes." So I did. And I stayed put and stayed respectful to the bear. But our vanilla friend, who joined me, was clearly in defiance of her boyfriend. The poor guy was clearly not toppy enough to stop her (since he thought it was too dangerous), so even though she and I both made it back completely safely, M and I had a lot of fun thinking about how our kind would have handled her defiance.

***

Miss Lily managed to get herself a sunburn last week, which is something she (and possibly someone else in the household) has been spanked for before. So she got spanked again and I got to watch. It was lovely... M spanked her hard, but not too hard (pout)--she has such a lovely bottom and it's even lovelier when it's pink.

***

I was given a reading assignment over the weekend, to read X pages of a book M bought for me about grad schools. Like a good girl I finished the reading, but you should have heard his dire threats, whispered in my ear: "If you don't read all those pages, I'm going to spank you every night for a week. And I'm not going to go lightly on you just because you're sore. I'm going to hairbrush your bottom very hard every night, little girl." [shiver, yum]

Do You Like It?

Adele Haze posted this, but in case you missed it there, enjoy it here:

do you enjoy spanking?
by dailybedpost